So Many Things...

I have definitely fallen into a rut since moving back to my home town last summer. It's so easy to let yourself go and trick yourself into thinking that talking about your aspirations is the same as doing them. When really, nothing is getting done. Every day I go over in my head everything that I need to do before I leave. I need to sell my car. I need to give my clothes to Goodwill. I need new luggage. I need a passport photo. I need to get my TEFL certification. I need to spend more time on the elliptical trainer that I just spent so much money on.

All of these things I hear so loud and clear in my head every day. And yet they are still undone. And I am still here. And daydreaming about visiting Buddhist Temples and exploring Asia isn't getting me there. My research of Korean cities is still just research. And my personal list of "Things to do in Preparation for Teaching Overseas" is still scribbled on a sticky pad with only two out of twenty- something things crossed out. I'm easily distracted. And easily discouraged when my mother starts guilting me about leaving again. I'm the youngest of three, and once I leave I am not planning to come back. I mean, to visit, of course I will. But not to live. And once I'm gone, my older sister will be the only one of us still here. And my mom hates that. It's impossible to talk to her and feel as though she's proud of me and eager for me to see the world. She says that she doesn't understand how I can love people so much and still leave them. I guess I don't view it as me purposely leaving anyone. And I think she does.

Sometimes I think that I am scared to leave everyone I know behind. I'm going alone. And I'm allowed to be scared. I don't feel terrified, but I do feel a little reluctant to leave and risk not being as happy as I am now with everyone currently in my life. I don't feel as though these thoughts overpower my decisions. But they exist. And in some ways make it easy for me to put off completing the steps that will have me packed up and shipped out before I know it.

I'm confused about what agency I should go through for teaching overseas. I hear so many different things from so many different experiences. I've been told to go with a local Korean agency vs. one that is based out of the US or Canada. I've also been told I shouldn't go through any agency at all, I should just fly to Korea and find a job once I get there. I'd like to think I'm an adventurous girl, but I don't want to completely overwhelm myself with challenges. And when it comes to written agreements, I've read that if at all possible I should avoid signing a contract before I visit the school. But then most of the jobs require a signed contract prior to arrival.

It's a bit exhausting trying to decide what to do. Although, one thing is for certain, I know this is what I want. And I know I will make it happen. So at least there's that.