Anywhere Else

I woke up this morning with a bad sore throat, yet again. The outcome of many nights spent in smoky bars, catching up with old friends that I left behind in Richmond, (and being too excited to remember to take all of my vitamins.) When I booked my flight for an east coast Christmas back in August, I remember thinking how far away December seemed. It was almost like when you were a kid, and had to draw a picture of how you think the future will look. I always drew pictures similar to The Jetson's, with flying cars and robots everywhere. Well, without the cartoon sound effects, that's almost how December seemed for me. It seemed too far away for anything to be the same as I remembered it. And once I was on my third and final flight, from Seattle to D.C., I couldn't wait to be home and see if things looked the same, smelt the same. I'm not sure why I thought they would be so different. I've lived other places before. I guess living in a place like Bethel has a way of altering your perception of reality. With the short days and harsh winter weather that started back in September, and the absence of bars and Taco Bells, it all adds up to being a completely "trippy" experience at times. So I was ready to see Richmond again.

The second I arrived in D.C., I finally felt like I was home. Though I was still an hour and a half away from Richmond, it was good to be in the same time zone. My good friend and fellow interior design major, Stephanie, was there to greet me at baggage claim. With a huge smile on her face, and a hug at the tips of her fingers, she made me feel as thought I never left. It's amazing what hugs from your friends can do, especially when a good, long hug from anyone is long overdue. Other than the fact that I was in an airport with luggage, it just felt like we were meeting up for monthly coffee to catch up on boy-drama.

I flew in on a Friday, and spent the weekend in D.C. before heading down to Richmond Sunday night. It was a somber drive home with Stephanie, both of us reminiscing about the night we just had. We met up with some friends of a good friend of mine, who was killed in a bad motorcycle accident over the summer. His name was Arya. He was my best friend in Richmond the last three months I was there. He died in June. I was devastated. I've lost friends before, quite a few actually. But Arya's death is definitely the hardest one I've had to deal with. When I left for Alaska, he was sad, but excited for me. He did more research on Bethel than I did before I moved there. He was with me every single night the week before I left. And even once I arrived in Alaska, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't talk to Arya on the phone, or on instant messenger or in an email.

So it was on a Tuesday, I came to work and sat down at my desk in City Hall. I had three emails from three different people I didn't know. Each email had Arya in the title. I knew something was wrong. By the time I got to the third email I was already in tears. There was never a moment in my life where I wanted so badly for something to be a joke. I remember just walking out of City Hall trying not to cry where people could see me. I walked home to my hotel room that I lived in for three months. I just laid on my bed and cried, looking up at pictures of Arya and myself that I made into a collage on my door.

It was hard being so far away from home at such a raw moment. I had only been in Bethel for two months when Arya died. I had yet to meet anyone with comfortable shoulders to cry on. So I mourned alone, and on the phone with friends in Richmond. That was hard. I had never felt so alone before. I have a hard enough time with funerals that are five minutes away, but to not even have the option of attending was very difficult.

So since June I've been dealing with the loss of Arya, and then also the loss of my grandmother in September. Her death wasn't a surprise, but was still hard to deal with by myself. I never really had a day where I absolutely wanted to just quit volunteering in Alaska and move back to Virginia, but I definitely had moments where I just wanted to be anywhere else than were I was. Living in a place where you can only drive in a ten mile loop is definitely a test for someone who loves taking road trips, especially as a coping mechanism.

Ok, so my friend Arya grew up around D.C. and was only in Richmond for school. He went home every weekend to bartend and to see his friends that he has had since high school. He would talk a lot about them to me and me to them. So when I was making plans for my Christmas vacation, I thought it would be an amazing thing if I could get as many of Arya's friends together so we could all meet each other, and have a fun night out in Arya's honor. And that's exactly what we did my first weekend back on the east coast. I had no idea how much he talked about me to them, and it made me feel even closer to Arya when I was around his best friends. And every time I would introduce myself to one of his friends, I would hear "Oh! So YOU'RE the girl that moved to Alaska?!"

That one Saturday night lasted forever, and I've never felt more at peace with a friend's death than I did after that night. I still have moments where I really miss him. Every place I've been to these past two weeks reminds me of him, our long conversations, his black pea coat, and the manhattans he drank that I used to steal the cherries out of.

In many ways losing Arya has made me realize how good I have it here. My family is amazing, and so are my friends. I know that Arya would have died no matter where in the world I was, that's something I don't have control over. I keep having these moments where I'm certain I don't want to end up in Richmond. Then I think of how happy these people make me, and how I want to cherish the time I have with them. So then I change my mind. And then I think about Sandra and Dave, who are my two best friends in Bethel and prove that good friends are everywhere. So then I change my mind back to being fearless and adventurous, wanting to get a work visa and travel overseas for a while when I'm done in Alaska. I'm sure by next week I will have changed my mind again, and have created two more options for myself.